I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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