I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
