If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
