Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I need to sanitize my soul.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
