Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize