Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
