My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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