so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
did i walk over a car last night?
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
