What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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