I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I forget how to act sober
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
