the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
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