Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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