She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
being pregnant is like rehab
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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