I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Randomize
