I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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