I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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