2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
