My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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