i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
