yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
