I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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