I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize