Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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