Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Randomize
