so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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