Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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