I woke up to her vacumming the grass
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
