drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
And then he peed in my hair
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