Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
