yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize