i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
