She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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