so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
