why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
