i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
