He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
