the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
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