Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
There's always time for handjobs
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize