We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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