I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
