its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Randomize
