flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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