I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
