If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Watching her eat just hurts me
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
