if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
