So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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