They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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