Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
