i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
