Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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