Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
