I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
