I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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