I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize