if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
