This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
The police scanner is talking about you again....
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
