you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
