also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
