is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
