i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
