i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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