My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
