Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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