I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
