she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize