Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(479): View more from Arkansas

This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.

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(214): View more from Texas

I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.

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(812): View more from Indiana

Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.

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(520): View more from Arizona

Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman

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(575): View more from New Mexico

We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.

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(310): View more from California

I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??

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(850): View more from Florida

We smell like vodka and hangover

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