Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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