Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
