I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
